It Doesn’t Get Any More “Real” Than This
// November 4th, 2011 // Behaviors, Brandon, Early Days, Emotions, I Cried, abandonment
I was getting ready to go out one day when Brandon went into my closet, found where I kept my jewelry, and came out with the only piece of jewelry that my mother had left me. She had died a few months before the boys arrived from Korea.
Brandon asked me what it was, and why I didn’t wear it. It is a very fragile bracelet and I told him I didn’t wear it because I didn’t want to break it. I also told him that it was the only thing that I inherited from my mother.
Brandon went back into the jewelry box to put it away and came back out with an empty jewelry pouch. He held it up to me and said, “This is what my mama gave to me.” The boys arrived with only the clothes on their back, their bottles, and a little card that announced that they were “aliens” — a term used by the Immigration Department.
I thought to myself, this child is desperate for some connection to his past life, but I don’t know how to give this to him.
His grieving had been going on about four months, and I was getting worried. Finally, one day he and I were talking about something he wanted to do, that I didn’t allow him to do. He got angry at me and
said, “My real mom, would let me do this!” In that moment I felt a wave of sadness and exhaustion from handling all of his grief. I didn’t take time to gather my thoughts, I just said the first thing that came into my mind — “Brandon, we can call her your first mother, we can call her your birth mother, and I will talk to you about this as often as you would like, but it doesn’t get more ‘real’ than this. I am your real mother.”
I started to cry, he started to cry, and then he put his little arms around me, and said, “I know Mama, it’s going to be okay.” The grieving stopped that very moment. I don’t know if it had just run its course, or if he was waiting for me to tell them this very important fact.
Adoptive parents, please trust your instincts in times like this. Speak directly from your heart, and you might find the very words your child is waiting to hear.
11 Responses to “It Doesn’t Get Any More “Real” Than This”
Leave a Reply
- Jane Ballback said: Hi Paige, I am hoping one day we can find Stace...
- Paige Strickland said: Stacee: Both of these poems are absolutely precio...
- Jane Ballback said: Hi Rebecca, I am so happy you saw, what I saw i...
- Rebecca Hawkes said: Or I guess I should have said, "was there already ...
- Rebecca Hawkes said: What an amazing juxtaposition ... and what a write...
- Jane Ballback said: Hi Janice, What a great story. I don't conside...
Those times have to hurt as an adoptive mom. I am an adult adoptee and I have two real mothers. I am in reunion and they are both very real to me.
Why can’t you both be real mothers?
A wise adoptive parent will validate their adoptee’s feelings. You did not do this.
When I was a young child, my adoptive mother told me to do something, I was mad and yelled at her, “I don’t have to listen to you! You’re not my REAL mother!” I was about 8 years old. I ran out of the room only to return a few minutes later when I heard her sobbing. I saw her tears. I went up to her and told her I loved her and that she was my mother.
It wasn’t my job to comfort her. It is the grown-up’s job to assess the situation and respond accordingly. My mother ought to have known I would have a reaction to being told I was adopted. She told me two times in my short lifetime that I was adopted and then never brought it up again. I didn’t even know what that meant, but then my mother said that my other mother died and that my father thought it best I came to live with the parents I lived with. That’s all I had to go by. No further explanation, no hugs or time for questions. So, when I felt pressured, I lashed out in anger. That’s what little kids do. And then to see my adoptive mother sobbing like that, I felt guilty. From that moment on I knew I had to protect her feelings. Mine didn’t matter.
When I was 18 I was found by 4 older siblings my adoptive parents knew about but didn’t want me to know. When I got the phone call, in an instant I knew I had to make a decision. This thought came to my mind: “I have two sets of real parents. This is the only way I’m going to get through this.” I had to reassure my adoptive parents that I was still their daughter while I met and developed a relationship with my natural father and siblings and learned of my natural mother’s death. A young adult of 18 should not be burdened emotionally like this.
Adoptive parents must educate themselves about adoption psychology. Look up: David Brodzinsky, Betty Jean Lifton, Nancy Verrier, Annette Baran and David Kirk. You owe it to yourself and your adoptee to know as much as you can about adoption so you can validate your adoptee’s feelings.
Hello Joan, Mei Ling, and Emilie,
Thank you for your thoughtful responses to my recent post. The idea of who is the “real parent” is a fascinating topic for those of us involved in adoption. The simple answer is, both are real. It’s just that there are not many simple answers in the complex world of adoption.
I hope that you take the time to read a few other posts that I’ve done. The first one is called Courage (http://mysecondmama.com/2011/10/courage/), and it tells the story of Brandon’s grief, and my many attempts to help him through it.
You also might be interested in the post, the Real Story (http://mysecondmama.com/2011/01/the-%E2%80%9Creal%E2%80%9D-story/), and my daughters post from the summer, Winning Life’s Lottery (http://mysecondmama.com/2011/08/winning-the-lottery-of-life/).
I began this series on grief by talking about the birth mother’s grief in the post called, I Would Buy You a Pair of Red Shoes (http://mysecondmama.com/2011/09/i-would-buy-you-a-pair-of-red-shoes%E2%80%A6/). I believe with all my heart that the birth mother’s are the unsung heroes in most adoption stories.
Thank you for reading and commenting.
I have a question about my real Bio mother. Why she do not wanted to open her heart toward me and she throw hint at me too? I am 40 year old and I just find out that I have a second mother in that place. I have talked to her on the phone and text her but I tell her that I still love her no matter what happening you or me. She say that, she not real to tell me yet about why left me in the hospital when I was born.
Shattocha,
I’m so sorry this is so painful for you. I believe that some birth mothers feel so guilty and ashamed, that they just can’t deal with it.
It is so hard to love someone who doesn’t love you back, but what a lovely person, to continue loving her.
Jane
Jane, I read your other posts and I do feel that you are very much trying to do the best you can for your children and I very much admire your willingness to listen to adoptees. I just felt that Brandon’s reply to you “I know Mama, it’s going to be okay.” was not so much him saying HE was going to be OK but to say “I’ts OK, Mama, I will try not to upset you any more, I will keep my grief to myself because I can see you don’t like it and I don’t want to hurt you any more”, i.e. he said it out of love for you because he could see it upset you.
As for “The grieving stopped that very moment”, if one reads your “Our story” page, one can see that it is not strictly true. Certainly, it sounds like any outward grieving stopped but inward grieving may still have gone on.
To be honest, I don’t know what the answer is myself. Perhaps it is just good to let a child know that sometimes it is “OK not to be OK”.
Hello Again,
You are very insightful and thoughtful woman. It would’ve been more accurate for me to say, that this “round of grief”, was over.
Brandon’s grief came roaring back during his adolescence, and that is a story I will tell at some point.
Please, keep reading and talking to me.
Jane
Thanks for your kind words, Jane. I still don’t think his “round of grief was over, I think what Brandon did was show a very mature attitude, he felt your grief as well and didn’t wish to burden you anymore – yet is it fair of a 4 year old to be so mature. It is a bit like if you had 2 friends that didn’t really know each other and one passed away and in the following months you constantly discussed friend A’s death with friend B and then one day friend B burst into tears and said “I’m your friend too”. You would probably pull yourself up and think “I have been ignoring my friend B” and realise that it wasn’t fair to talk to your friend anymore about friend A – this doesn’t mean your grief would be over, just that friend B couldn’t be the person you talk to about it, at least for a while. Of course, your son was a lot younger and the situation isn’t exactly the same but what is true in both situations is that in the friend situation, you would have sensed friend B was feeling insecure, and I think that your son sensed you were feeling insecure. Also, in both situations, probably speaking to an uninvolved third party would have helped. It is hard to know what would have been the right thing to do but I think if I was in the same position and said what you said and my hypothetical son said it back to me, I think I would then have said “I’m sorry son for burdening you with my own grief, it is just that I love you so much and it hurts me to see you so upset. Perhaps we can get a special friend whom you can talk to on your own as well” and then found him a caring counsellor – preferrably an international adoptee – who he could just talk to about his feelings. Of course this is all in hindsight.
One thing I just wanted to say is that I was like Jaik growing up – I didn’t really think too much about the situation. My parents were pretty straightforward in explaining our stories (there were 4 of us from 3 separate mothers (eldest were twins)). It wasn’t really until I contacted my extended family and started to “get to know” what my bmother was like as a human being that I started to feel grief. However, I know that it is something that can’t really be shared too much with others because I realise they can only hear so much – after all, my bfamily have grieved her as a person they actually knew (she was only 39 when she passed away) and I don’t feel I can burden them with my feelings. If I need to talk, I speak to an adoption counsellor through the Benevolent Society here in Australia or online to other adoptees who have lost their bmothers as well and understand exactly what I’m going through. My amum was pretty good but still it is not fair to burden her either. Quite often, we spend our whole lives trying not to burden others with our feelings because we are not just children who need reassuring, we are also human beings who understand that others need reassuring and as adoptees we often have to take that burden on ourselves.
Hello,
Thank you for your thoughtful comment, the juxtaposition of joy and pain in adoption never ends.
I am so glad you are talking to a counselor, and welcome your comments.
Jane