You're My Second Mama, Aren't You

Why Don’t I Have An Older Sister?

// January 13th, 2012 // Adult Adoptees, Behaviors, Books, Identity, Post adoption, Relinquishment, Support, abandonment

I’ve had the experience now of knowing several adult adoptees.  I’m discovering that adult adoptees are as interested in getting to know any other sibling they might have, as they are in finding their birth parents.

This makes a lot of sense if you think about it.  It’s not talked about a great deal, but a person’s siblings have as much — if not more impact — on their lives than even their parents.  I first saw this concept discussed in a wonderful book called, Siblings without Rivalry, by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish.  The authors’ goal being to demonstrate how to turn quarreling siblings and frustrated parents into an open, communicative family.

The other children we grow up with teach us a great deal about the people around us; and how to get along with people who may be related to us, but are nothing like us.  As our parents’ age and die, our sisters and brothers can become important peers and support systems.

Because my children have never expressed an interest in returning to Korea or finding siblings, I began to wonder if other adoptees were interested in finding theirs.  I have now discovered that many adoptees are very interested in finding siblings; and if they successfully search for their birth families, they often establish stronger relationships with their brothers and sisters than they do with either of their birth parents.  This makes sense when you think about the fact that siblings had no part in the original decision to relinquish the adopted child.  Often times the birth siblings don’t even know that they have a brother or sister in some other part of the country or the world.

The authors of Being Adopted: The Lifelong Search for Self, tell the story of George.  George is an ordinarily shy and mild-mannered librarian who was startled by the depth of his emotions about searching for siblings.  “I thought that if I knew or had any idea I had brothers and sisters, I couldn’t be held down until I found them.  It amazed me that I would think that way.”

I had the opportunity to get to know an adult adoptee who is the same age as my 24 year old boys and has recently reunited with her entire Korean family.  She is another person that I’m going to introduce to you through my blog.  Her name is Whitney and her story is absolutely remarkable!  Whitney was relinquished to Holt when she was five months old.  She remained a secret to the younger members of her family until she reappeared.   I will tell you one amazing part of her story, and then leave you hungry for the entire narrative.

When Whitney, found her entire intact birth family in Korea (mother, father, two brothers, aunts, uncles, cousins, and grandparents), the strongest connection she made was to her younger brother.  When he walked through the door, the first surprise is that they looked exactly like each other; and happily, he was the one person in the family that spoke fluent English.

Remember in the last blog, I mentioned that many people felt like adopted children have another level of “knowing?”  This young man had asked his birth mother many times “Why don’t I have an older sister?” This must’ve been torture for his birth mother, because in fact, Whitney was his older sister.  They became so close during the time she spent in Korea, that he now studies in the United States to be closer to Whitney.

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I am looking forward to the day — if it should ever come— when my boys want to search for their older brothers, and/or when Stacee wants to search to see if she has any siblings.  These decisions are entirely up to them, and I’ve told them many times I would support their endeavors.