You're My Second Mama, Aren't You

A Secret Grief

// February 3rd, 2012 // Attachment, Behaviors, Emotions, Facts of Life, Grief, Sports, Support

An adoptive mother told me an important secret one day when we were standing on a sports field, watching our boys play a game.  She was the adoptive mother of two boys who were obviously from a domestic adoption, because they looked similar to her and her husband.  She knew I was an adoptive mother, because my Korean boys of course, have never looked anything like me.

I had not met her before, when she approached me and asked me if she could share a burden and a secret she had been carrying for many years.  I have no idea why she even intuited that I might not only be sympathetic, but also have some resource for her, but somehow she knew.

She shared with me that she and her husband had adopted their two boys after many years of trying to have their own birth children, by engaging in a series of elaborate and expensive fertility treatments.  I know that there are millions of couples who go through this process.  I don’t know much about it other than the two tests I had when I was in my mid-30s.  I stopped the testing because somehow the whole process just seemed wrong for me.

I know this is an incredibly personal decision, and I have no judgment for anyone who chooses to engage in these fertility tests or not.  I’m not surprised that I did not enjoy these two tests.  They felt invasive and somehow impractical to me.  Again, this is a very personal response and not meant to be generalized to anyone else.  I was simply one of those women who did not have this burning desire to birth a child.  I am glad we live in a time where every woman can make this personal decision for herself.

This adoptive mother went on to tell me that she did not feel like she ever truly attached or bonded to her boys.  At this time her boys were seven and eight years old, and she felt like they were not thriving as well as they should.  When I asked her why, she said she felt like she never truly got over her grief about not birthing her own children.  She said she had tried interacting with her boys many times, and often times, felt like she succeeded — but somehow when she watched my involvement with my boys, she knew she did not have the same intimate relationship.

I am one of those people that others find easy to talk to — although this conversation was for me, one of the most serious I’ve ever had with a complete stranger.  I admired her courage and her honesty, and told her so.  I also told her that when I got home I would find for her, the name and phone number of a wonderful child therapist that I had used with my own children, many times.  I told her I did not think it was too late to fix this problem, but that time was a crucial factor because it is amazing what children can sense about their parents and their feelings.

That was the one and only time that I saw or spoke to this parent.  Her boys were playing on the opposite team, and our paths did not cross again.  I gave her my phone number to call me about the therapist and I let her know I was there if she wanted to continue our conversation, but I never heard from her again.

Over the years I have often found myself thinking about this mother.  I keep her in my thoughts and hope that she reached out to a good therapist and began the process of connecting and attaching to her two adorable boys, because they certainly deserved her every effort.  I remain forever hopeful that releasing her secret had released her “in to action” to do everything she could to find peace for herself and her children.